I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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