I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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