If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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