We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
