i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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