On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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