So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
