I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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