2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
