I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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