my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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