Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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