If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
