when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
