I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
