i love accidental penises.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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