finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
