I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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