hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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