he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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