I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
