Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
