Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
