I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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