can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
