You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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