I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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