just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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