I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
nutella sex= disaster
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You pole danced in your parka.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
