i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
