I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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