she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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