Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
