If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you traded sex for a burrito?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
