cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
