I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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