I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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