you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
