my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
