The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
