Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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