I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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