i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
