i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
