I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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