I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
