Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
