what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
