the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
