I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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