Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
