Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
