he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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