He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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