I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
