your parents love me but you hate me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
