Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
