I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
