Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
